I think that deep down, most of us have a personality aspect that can best be described as "the a-hole." The a-hole is the side of us that we keep hidden for the most part, but when we become angry, outraged, bitchy, whiny, tired, stressed, irritated, hurt, confused, and lost, the a-hole comes roaring to the surface. Most of us are able to "quell the beast within us" (sounds like the Hulk, huh?); however, there are a certain few who can be counted on to be the a-hole at the party, the person so narcissistic that every comment he makes is a cutting one about someone in the company. You all know this guy. In addition to being an a-hole, this guy is a pompous know-it-all who is driven to know more about everything than anyone could EVER know. This is the guy who ruins your time with your friends, for while you are in his presence, all you can think about doing is getting as far away as possible.
Now, truth be told, I used to be that guy. It all started as a defensive mechanism that grew out of a betrayal by my best friend in high school. Soon, I became quite adept at a-hole behavior; after all, if you cause everyone to dislike you, the possibility of betrayal is minimal, right? What started out as a defensive mechanism turned into full blown a-hole performances by college. It was only due to an intervention of sorts by my college roommate that I was able to recognize the person I was becoming. I looked in the mirror, and I did not like what I saw. That day, I swore that I would bury that persona as deep as I could, only releasing him during those moments where his presence was necessary. For the most part, I'd like to think that I have succeeded. Of course, whenever I am stressed, depressed, or worried about something, a-hole sometimes pokes his head up in all of his fury. I have endeavored to tell my friends to call me on it whenever that persona rears its ugly head. Two of my fellow bloggers have seen this persona. Legal Lucy's first experience interacting with me was when I was in full on a-hole mode due to a stressful meeting of scholarship kids at law school. To her credit (and because she is an awesome person), she gave me another chance, and I was able to show her the kind of person I really am. I would like to think that, since then, Lucy has been spared exposure to the a-hole persona of the Artful Blogger (how about it, Lucy?). The person who has seen the a-hole the most is Missy, and this has nothing to do with her personally. Missy is my oldest (well, longest term, at least) Chicago friend. For the most part, I tend to be guarded around most people, but I can always be honest around Missy. I think that she was a bit confused early on by what she perceived as an almost schizophrenic personality on my part. Sometimes she would get the real Artful and sometimes she would not even recognize me. I realized that, as Missy was my close friend, I tended to go to her whenever I was stressed about something. After she called me on it, I told her to give me a verbal slap whenever I was in this mode. Of all of my friends, Missy is least deserving of this ugly persona of mine. Kudos to both Missy and Lucy for hanging in there and being my friends. I know it has not always been easy! As I said, however, I have endeavored to control this persona, but I have always wondered what kind of person I would have been without the timely intervention of my college roommate and the patience of my friends since then. Last night, I came face to face with "Dr. A-hole". There but for the grace of God go I...
As many of you may know, my brother is getting married in August. In celebration, one of his groomsmen arranged a dinner for all of the groom's party in Chicago. He made reservations at Spiaggia, a very nice (and expensive) Italian restaurant off of Michigan Avenue in Chicago. One of the other members of the party and I are not exactly in the best of financial situations right now. When compared to the rest of the party (4 doctors and the head of a large IT company), we were definitely on the low end of the income pool. However, we figured that we would have enough if we watched the amount of wine that was ordered and were careful about our own orders. Everyone met at the world famous Drake Hotel, as some of the party wanted to have cocktails before dinner. I met everyone there, and it was there that the organizer (the aforementioned Dr. A-hole) started in on me and everyone else in the party. I was taken aback. I mean, I am not above giving my buddies grief and accepting grief in turn from said buddies because we know each other pretty well. I had no such connection with Dr. A-hole. I mean, what made him think that he had the right to joke with me in such a demeaning manner? He had not earned the right, and I had given him no cause to be so vicious. During the course of the evening, in rapid fire succession, Dr. A-hole proceeded to attack 1) my education/degrees/longevity in school, 2) my appearance, 3) my age, and 4) my knowledge. Of course, as I mentioned, the other members of the party were not spared either. I was, at that time, still calm, however. I figured that he would probably calm down at dinner. After all, he could not be so shallow as to take attention away from my brother, the real guest of honor, right? Who would be so obtuse?
Dr. A-hole, that's who! He proceeded to attack my brother's ex-wife as being too "manly", make derogatory comments about my sexual orientation because I am not married or engaged, the business acumen of said IT CEO, and everyone else's taste in food or wine (save his own, of course). Dr. A-hole, upon being seated, proceeded to order wine for the table without checking with the other members of the party first to see if we were willing to entrust him with this task or to see if we were willing to pay for lots of wine. Dr. A-hole proceeded, unknown to us, to order a $300 bottle of wine. Of course, when the bill arrived, Dr. A-hole was silent as to his own responsibility. During dinner, I mostly ignored him. He was trying to instigate something between the two of us, and for the life of me I could not figure out why. Was he jealous of the fact that I was my brother's brother and not him? Was he jealous of me? Was he just that insecure? I ignored him, for he was being an ignoramus and that was the most logical course of action. Internally, however, I found myself amused by his assertions on the proper way to raise children (he and his wife have none). I amused myself by texting various other members of the table with my observations on Dr. A-hole. Was that rude of me? You bet it was, and I do regret my juvenile behavior. At the same time, the texting proved to be a valuable safety valve for me, as I was close to losing my temper at the table. This was my brother's night, however, and I was determined not to let Dr. A-hole ruin it. I mean it. I am not a violent person by nature, but Dr. A-hole will never know how close he came to receiving a bloody nose at a 5 star Chicago restaurant. Yup.
The strangest part of the evening was when he started in on my brother's ex wife. His comments on her made me the most irritated. She and I never really got along, but I understood her. She was a woman in the male dominated field of orthopedic surgery. She, unfairly, had to be better than her male counterparts in order to be considered equal. As I remember it, she was able to balance that drive for excellence with a liberal dose of feminine elegance. For a time, she was a good wife and partner for my brother. Dr. A-hole did not know her that well, yet he proceeded to attack her as being " too manly." The irony here is that Dr. A-hole's wife is extremely manly-to the point where we were all thinking, for a time, that she might have been a "beard" of sorts for Dr. A-hole. And now he was attacking my brother's ex? My brother is still friendly with his ex, and I could tell that Dr. A-hole's comments were irritating my brother, but to his credit, he said nothing.
After dinner, I cut the evening short. Because I am studying for the bar, I have precious little free time, and I had no intention of letting Dr. A-hole ruin what little free time I had. When I returned home, I reflected on Dr. A-hole and how much he reminded me of the person I used to be. I was such a little brat, and I will forever be grateful to my college roommate and, to a certain extent, my big bro for straightening me out. I saw a lot of the OLD Artful in Dr. A-hole, and I shudder to think of what I might have become without the support and understanding of my friends. So for all of you out there, I invite you to join in and call me out when you see me manifest tendencies of Dr. A-hole. I promise that I will not get mad. I see it as a part of my journey to be a better person. It is far better for me to deal with the brief embarrassment of being called out rather than being thought of as a person like the inimitable Dr. A-hole.
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2 comments:
I think that is advice most people should take - as you say, we all have a little a-hole in us, and that's what good friends are all about; someone to give you a jolt when a-hole rears its head, as well as to maturely understand when its you doing the jolting to them.
If either side of that falls down, it's a sign that you need to either question your friendship, or question yourself . . .
To be perfectly honest, I only vaguely recall that first meeting. Most of first year is kind of a blur. More than likely I chalked it up as yet another terrible day in the first year of law school, and then felt like I wasn't the only one who was a bit cranky about torts/Winnie. Plus, as someone who has CERTAINLY come off the wrong way more than once, I'm generally quick to forgive. Clearly, you're a better person for realizing that jerkish qualities are not good ones.
As for that a-hole doctor, he's probably jealous that you have the ability, motivation and general knowledge thirst to keep educating yourself. It's a rare quality to be successful in fields so disparate as law and science, and some people just can't deal with it!
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