Tips on Getting Tips from the Artful Blogger

We have all been there-dining out with cheapskate friends who think nothing of running their waiter or waitress ragged and then neglects to leave any tip or-much worse-leaves something akin to loose change, believing that such monies pass as acceptable tips. I always cringed when I witnessed their actions. Wait staff (well, most of them, anyway) work hard for their money. They carry the food, bus the tables, refill our drinks, and bring us our check. They also listen to our myriad of demands for changes within the dishes that we order. In my life, for the most part, I have been lucky in that I have had good service when dining at restaurants. At the same time, I must mention that I am courteous and polite to the staff, never ordering them around or barking orders at them. They are people to and deserve the same respect that I would give my supervisors at work (something that the Artful parents instilled in me). The same goes for when I ride in cabs. For the most part, I am polite to my cab drivers and engage them in conversation about Chicago sports, whether it is a busy night for them, and what the tourists are doing in Chicago on a particular evening. As with wait staff, I am usually pretty generous about tipping in cabs.

In both cases, however, I have noticed that there are times where I really DO NOT WANT TO TIP ANYTHING. Poor service by itself is inexcusable, yet we have been conditioned to automatically tip for wait service and for cab service. So here is my list of "dos and don'ts" for wait staff and cab drivers for getting good tips from me:

Wait Staff:

• Refill my drink with stealthy skill. If my soda is constantly being replenished in a manner where I do not notice the staff, that is amazing. These skillful individuals ALWAYS get an excellent tip from me.
  

• Stop by to see if everything is OK with the meal. Do NOT just save these visits for when we JUST get the meal-at that time, we have not had a chance to partake and determine if everything is to our satisfaction. Check back periodically and do not disappear for long periods of time.

• Pay attention to the needs of your customer. This Monday, my brother and sister-in-law took me to dinner to thank me for taking care of their awesome dog Pepper for the week (I really miss the dog now). While there, my sister-in-law wanted to order dessert to go, and we settled on an ice cream concoction. The waitress assured us that it would be packed and would make the 10 minute trip to my place with ease. She dropped off the dessert...and disappeared. No check came out. We waited for 5 minutes..then 10 minutes...then 15 minutes...at which time she stopped by our table to drop off our check. She then proceeded to disappear for ANOTHER 15 minutes-knowing that we had FREAKING ICE CREAM for take out. She should have been more aware-it is not that hard to close out a check and come back to check on payment. Epic FAIL for her.
  

Cabbies:

• CLEAN YOUR CABS. Nothing is worse than being stuck in a cab with the windows shut with a cabbie who has not bathed since 1998. I am talking NAUSEATING. Either that or make sure the windows are rolled down....no, just bathe....PLEASE.
  

• DO NOT TALK ON YOUR PHONE-I do not care if you do not talk to ME so long as you just pay attention to your freaking job! You have one thing to do-get me from point A to point B safely and efficiently. Remember that!
  

• Get there faster. You might think that you are pulling one over on me, but I know my way around Chicago in whatever state I may be in. Last night, I met the Namby Pamby out for drinks after work and haled a cab to get home. After I gave the cabdriver my address, he proceeded to turn left and head towards Michigan Avenue. At that point, I knew that he was NOT getting a good tip, for there is another street that he had to CROSS where, if he had taken it, I would be home much faster, as that street has 1/4 the number of lights and twice the speed limit. Furthermore, the cabdriver made his way gingerly through the streets in an OBVIOUS bid to catch some RED LIGHTS. Umm...no, I am trying to get some place as fast as possible. DO NOT PULL THAT BS ON ME. At one point, we were behind a car in the left lane and the right lane was open. By this time, I was HOT. I knew this guy was trying to gyp me and I said, out loud, "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!". Amazingly, the cabdriver rediscovered the gas pedal and zoomed all the way home. Nerts to him, though. Rather than the $3-6 tip I usually give based on speed of travel, he was allowed to keep the 50 cents left over when I handed him $7 for a $6.50 bill. AND he did not drop me off in front of my building near the door (2 car lengths away).
  

For those of you who need a laugh

Grace posted this video a while back, but it still never ceases to make me laugh out loud. Enjoy!

My Stolen Lines #4

Feeling both empowered and terrified as I drove into work, I looked up at the sky and started talking*

This is what it all came down to.  7 years in Baltimore, toiling for less than a living wage, trying to unlock secrets of the human genome and training myself to be a scientist.  7 years being summed up in a single one hour seminar given before the entire department, a question and answer session to follow with my dissertation committee.  

I had come so far, yet I was frightened.  As I drove into work, I started talking to myself:

Artful, you know more about this subject than ANYONE else in the room.  You are an expert!  You are the man!  You are...completely pathetic and all by yourself.  There is no one to celebrate with you when it is over.  You are going to get into your car and drive to your best friends wedding.  Jesus Christ...I have spent my 20s in school and have no one, and my best friend is getting on with his life and marrying the woman of his dreams.  Where did the time go?

It has not SEEMED like 7 years.  I remembered coming to Baltimore intending just to get my Masters as a stepping stone to going to medical school.  I remembered moving to Baltimore right out of graduating from UVA and living in a dormitory a hop, skip and a jump away from Camden Yards.  

When I first came to Baltimore, I remembered that I was amazed by the quality of individuals in my program.  These were hardcore scientists, and I never felt that I measured up.  Over time, however, I learned and became more adept at "doing the science."  I mastered the fine art of immunohistochemistry, cell culture, and PCR.  I KNEW the science backwards and forwards with my project.  

My project...that in itself was a long road taken.  Originally, I was looking at Peripheral Arterial Disease in the elderly and using a real patient population for my studies.  I remember running people through stress tests and measuring their peak VO2.  I remember administering resting metabolic rate tests to these individuals and learning how to take a blood pressure measurement manually while someone was on a treadmill.  I remember meeting one of the best people I have ever met, someone I have since lost touch with-a very good friend.  I also remember the day when my mentor lost his funding-2 years into my research.  I had to start from scratch all over again, and I chose to go molecular.  

The lab I chose was a good one, but the week before I joined, my new mentor lost his lab assistant of 9 years-the assistant had committed suicide.  My mentor to be would never be the same after that.  I became the de facto lab head, trying to work on my PhD while running the lab.  I became frustrated, as I saw others in my department actually being trained and graduating while I was stuck in the lab.  I was doing good work, yet my mentor never thought it was enough.  I remember the day when I finally said ENOUGH!  I scheduled a committee meeting, and at the end, one of the committee members told me that I was ready and I should write it up,  My mentor was stunned, and I was elated.  

I went on interviews for postdocs and accepted a position in Chicago so that I could be closer to my brother, who was starting his own fellowship.  I was scheduled to move a month after my dissertation defense.  I was scheduled to defend in September.  

And the day before my defense, my mentor pulled one more cruel trick on me and said it was not good enough.  I screamed to the heavens that night.  WHY?  I had endured so much.  I had suffered.  I had run the gauntlet, yet I was denied the last bit of satisfaction.  I ended up moving in October, and I had to schedule my defense again.  I remember the anticipation and the fear as if it were yesterday.  I was staying at a hotel in town, and I had a rental car.  The morning of my defense, I looked over my slides over and over again as I wolfed down breakfast.  My stomach was uneasy, yet I knew that I would need my strength.  I then got into my car and started what I hope would be the last drive I would have to make to campus.  

Feeling both empowered and terrified as I drove into work, I looked up at the sky and started talking.

I went over my notes and then cursed the sky for putting me in this position.  Where had the time gone?  What happened if I did not pass?  Would I have to move back here and start anew? Would I ever be able to go on with life?  I felt so alone.  

I arrived on campus and made my way to the seminar room.  The seminar room was packed with members of the department.  What I also noticed is that a lot of my friends were there, people who made the trip back just to support me.  They took up the front rows of the room so that they could act as a line of defense for the hard questions.  One of my  best friends told me that if I was faced with the tough questions, I could look at her and she would nod her head in a gentle manner to assure me that I was doing fine.  

I then gave the talk of my life.  I do not know what happened, but I OWNED THE ROOM. Every snarky question that was asked by a faculty member was deftly met with sound scientific answers.  My mentor even grudgingly had to admit that I had passed.  The battle-no, the WAR-was over.  I had done it.  I had my PhD.  I would always have it.  I had not given up and fought the good fight.  I was DONE WIITH SCHOOL (ok, maybe not).  

Now, as I look back at those years in Baltimore, I cannot help but have mixed emotions.  It was so much a part of my life-7 years in the same city meeting so many different people.  Four of my best friends, 2 serious girlfriends, summer nights at the harbor, in Fells Point, in Canton, or in the mountains, winters spent struggling with the snow and the ice, never giving up and never surrendering my goal.  

Since then, I have not gone back to my school.  There are too many painful memories associated with it.  Still, we all are the sum total of our life experiences.  I would not be the person that I am today if I had not gone through my Baltimore experience.  I would not have the friends I enjoy or my godson who currently resides in Florida.  I knew moments of insane happiness and sadness in Baltimore.  But the one thing Baltimore gave me that I have never experienced since and will likely never experience again was the high of seeing all of the signatures of my committee members on the dissertation passage report sheet.  I HAD DONE IT!  That is a high that made it all worthwhile, the only accomplishment in my life where the end was nowhere NEAR anticlimactic.  

*I Stole the first line of this post from Stay Tuned, by Jennifer Weigel. This is part of Grace's ongoing Stolen Lines Experiment.

An X-Rated conversation with the Namby Pamby

The setting: my car

The occupants: me and the Namby Pamby

The scene: driving north from Downtown Chicago for a sushi dinner with the Alleged Lady, Grace, and the Dirty Hippie

Cue scene:

Artful and Namby are driving through Namby's old neighborhood on the way north. Artful is behind the wheel and Namby is commenting on the sights and sounds.

Namby: "This was where my Jewel (a local grocery store) used to be."

Artful (trying to be witty like Namby. but failing miserably): "The Jewel of the Nile?"

Namby: "Where is that from?"

Artful: "Umm..the movie? "The Jewel of the Nile"? Sequel to "Romancing the Stone"

Namby: "That's where it's from!"

Silence, as I try to come up with something more witty. Then...

Artful: "I think it is also the name of a porn star."

Namby (laughing loudly): "Artful, you really are knowledgeable about all films!"

Now, keep in mind that I have NEVER frequented an adult theater, but I continued on, driven by Namby's laughter.

Artful (emboldened by Namby's laughter and trying to make it continue): "Yessir-nothing beats a good nudie theater. I mean, the soft focus, the soft seats..."

Namby: "Premoistened, of course..."

Artful: "Of course! and all the free tissues that you need...everyone there for the same purpose, a brotherhood of sorts. One giant circle jerk."

Namby (shouting and laughing with glee): "HA!! CIRCLE JERK!"

When uttering the words, Namby failed to realize that 1) he was shouting, as he does often and 2) the windows and sunroof of the car were open. These realizations slowly dawned on him when he looked to his right after shouting "CIRCLE JERK" and saw a woman in a car with her windows open, looking at the two of us with open disgust and turning away as Namby waved his fingers to her and sheepishly said "Hi!"

Seriously, I cannot make this stuff up.

Star Trek: The Review

10 minutes.

That is all it took for JJ Abrams to make a believer out of me.

10 minutes.

Let us set the stage for my viewing of Star Trek. IMAX? Check. Perfect seats? Check. Enthusiastic crowd? Check. Worries? Check.

Why worries? Well, as I said in my earlier post, I grew up on classic Trek. The Next Generation was during my college and grad school years. I had read of how Abrams was making wholesale changes to canon, and that worried me. You see, he had attempted something similar with Superman a few years ago in which Luthor morphed into a survivor of the planet Krypton and Superman had all sorts of strange new powers.

Yeah, I know.



So as the lights dimmed, and the never ending parade of production company logos played out across the screen, I waited, anxiously. The giant IMAX screen was filled with the images of Abrams interpretation of a Starship bridge. There was no indication of when these events were taking place. We found out that we were on the bridge of the USS Kelvin. Business as usual is going on until a massive lightning storm anomaly appears in front of the ship. An enormous ship emerges from the anomaly-a great black hulking monstrosity with tentacles of metal reaching out towards the smaller ship. Immediately the Kelvin is under attack-an AMAZINGLY dynamic space battle. Gone are the days of slow moving models on strings with hit or miss phaser shots from the various banks. In this version ,the camera was dynamic as it swooped and turned around the space battle. However, as cool as that was, what caught my attention early on was the human component of the story. Within the first 10 minutes, Abrams introduced us to 3 characters who we honestly cared about and developed an emotional connection to before things changed for them forever. Right at the climax-opening title credit. I was breathless. I turned to Alleged Lady and said "THAT was the first FREAKING 10 minutes? HOLY CRAP-this is already one of the best Trek films I have seen."

I did have to adjust my feelings as the film wore on, however. It became not only one of the best Trek films I have ever watched but one of the most enjoyable action films I have ever watched. We the audience were treated to the creation of the legends of James Tiberius Kirk and Spock of Vulcan. We saw each of the secondary crew members have their moment in the sun. We see Karl Urban INHABIT the role of Leonard McCoy. Most importantly, we see a story that was NOT bogged down in technobabble and expansive views out the screen of the ship. With Abrams, the audience felt INVOLVED with the story and not mere spectators. The screenwriters made some bold story choices as well and changed the historical timeline for Trek for good. One major event was stunning in how it forever altered Spock's role in the story.

SPOILERS BELOW:

Changes in Trek lore include the destruction of the planet Vulcan, the death of Spock's mother Amanda, a libidinous Spock involved with Uhura, the death of Kirk's father well before he was supposed to die, and the permanent residence of Spock from 120 years into the future into the past. Of all of these changes, the only thing that did not sit well with me was the libidinous Spock. It changed one of the fundamental aspects of the character for no good reason. Other than that, however, none of the changes to Trek canon particularly bothered me in a "get a life" kind of way.

SPOILERS END:

The real effect of these changes is that now, many of the events first depicted in the original 1960s series never happened. That series is now considered an alternative timeline from what was introduced in Star Trek: the movie. That is not a big deal. What is important is that this movie injects energy into a moribund franchise that desperately needed it AND allowed people too eager to dismiss Star Trek as the epitome of nerddome to enjoy a new story and finally be able to understand what it was about the characters that made it so great. The music was great, the special effects were stunning, and the performances were...wow. Chris Pine IS James T. Kirk. Karl Urban IS Leonard McCoy.

I am excited for what the future of the franchise holds, and I am excited to see new fans embracing the...dare I say it...coolness of the franchise. I never thought that Star Trek would ever be considered cool, but as Chris Pine's steel blue eyes glared out across the screen (causing Alleged Lady to turn away from the "incredible hotness in front of" her), I knew that the cast would be a hit with the non-fans. This is the beginning of something great. I am glad that I got to experience it AND I cannot wait to see it again.

The Star Trek Post-pre movie

Right about now, Daisy has already clicked off of my post. I know that she does this whenever I have a discussion about comics or any other thing that does not hold her fancy, but DAMMIT DAISY-if I have to put up with Fat Baby Fridays then you can deign to read some of my geek posts. You might even learn something :-). JK, Daisy-I tease because I love!

A-HEM. Anyway, this post is a prequel post to my midnight viewing of Star Trek (happening tomorrow night-IMAX BABY!). So far, advance word on the film from Trek fans has been incredibly mixed, but advanced word from EVERYONE has been stellar. See, this is the kind of Trek movie that is accessible to everyone, from what I hear. This is a good thing. With the success of Star Trek over the years has come a build up of canon-things that can and cannot be done within the stories due to the importance of continuity. By using time travel as a mechanism to induce change in Roddenberry's universe, JJ Abrahms is doing something unique in his relaunch-namely making Star Trek accessible to the masses and less geeky.

The actual allure of Star Trek for me starts with reruns that I watched as a child. At the time, there were no video tapes, dvds, laser discs, or blu-rays. Star Trek was off the air before I was born, and my older brother regaled me with stories of animated Star Trek-a show that he watched when HE was smaller. So it was with great excitement that we found out that our local affiliate was airing reruns of Star Trek every weeknight at 7 PM. From the first episode, I was hooked. Before the time of Trek conventions and before the multiple series and "that movie with the whales," Star Trek was the quintessential adventure series set in space. Of course, during the early years of Roddenberry, the storylines were, at times, melodramatic (as were the music and some of the situations). Even as a child, I found some of the episodes ridiculous (Really? A planet full of Nazis? Really? A planet full of Romans? Really? A planet full of gangsters?), but the chemistry was there among the crew members. The attention to realism and realistic science inspired countless boys and girls to become scientists and astronauts. Even some of the devices in the show inspired inventors, as the diagnostic beds in sick bay inspired CT and MRI scans and the communicators inspired the modern day flip phones. In the end, this was another version of Horatio Hornblower (has anyone ever read C.S. Forester's novels?)-albeit in space. Kirk, Spock and McCoy represented facets of the ego, superego, and the id.

What always pissed me off, however, is how those of us who were Trek fans were painted with the broad brush of being geeks BECAUSE of it. Why can't someone enjoy a show or work of fiction without being ostracized? I mean, I know that the technobabble in the show can sometimes be a bit much, but at least with the original series, it never got in the way of the story. There were some amazing stories told during the first season of Star Trek and into the second, and I pity those people who would not give the show a chance because "oh, it's Star Trek." Can you say "closed-minded"?

Why do I write this? Well, I know that the film is currently getting stellar reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. In fact, it currently looks to be one of the best reviewed films of the year. I am asking those of you who have never given Star Trek a chance or who have had the misfortune to experience some of the numerous Trek misfires over the years (any odd numbered Star Trek film, Voyager, and Enterprise) to give it another shot. This should be a fun film, a jumping on point. It is supposedly about the characters. Don't write it off simply because it is Star Trek.

I will post my review of the film sometime this weekend. Maybe I can even get Alleged Lady to chime in, as she is attending the viewing with me.

Oh the Spectacle!

These are heady times for Chicago sports fans. The spring started off with the blockbuster trade that brought Jay Cutler, Denver's Pro Bowl quarterback, to Chicago. The Blackhawks, long the underappreciated and underfunded member of the Chicago sports pantheon (think LA Clippers), are the youngest, hottest team in the NHL. While they may not get the Cup this year, they are built for future success AND they won their first playoff series in over a decade. The real winner this spring has been the Bulls. From seemingly out of nowhere, this team has grown up. We have witnessed, in this first round, the birth of a playoff star in Derrick Rose. We have seen 5 overtime games, with the capper being the TRIPLE OVERTIME game from last night.

I was lucky enough to watch the game in the company of the Namby Pamby. It was the first Bulls playoff game I have been able to watch almost in its entirety. There are some thoughts that I had while watching the game. I could not believe the passion. I was blown away by the physicality and the shouting and taunting. I was enamoured by the slow burns and the fades, the ebbs and flows...I could not believe how fast the feet moved back and forth across the hardwood. I could see the excitement and the exhaustion manifest themselves as the game stretched on for over 4 hours. The sweat was pouring, the yelling and physicality became more emphatic, and I feared that someone would get hurt.

And that was just talking about what it was like to watch Namby watch the game. The game itself was entertaining too.