The Artful Dad

He was born in Kerala but moved to Kolkota at a very young age. His childhood was spent running with his friends along the shores of the Bay of Bengal, skipping rocks on the water and watching the people all around him. In his memories, those are some of the happiest. Shortly thereafter, due to his parents' desire to travel "unfettered and free", he and his older sister were shuttled from relative to relative for the rest of his childhood. These relatives never treated him as part of the family; even minor infractions were met with severe corporal punishment. At heart, he was a sweet and gentle soul. Such treatment at the hands of people who are supposed to love you might have stomped out such a characteristic from most boys, but he took them as lessons on how not to treat people. His family was poor yet descended from the line of a minor king. Many of his relatives were wealthy and chose to flaunt that wealth in the face of the poor little boy who did not even have parents who wanted him around. He formed some friendships among his schoolmates, but every time he formed such friendships, he was shipped off to yet another relative.

He yearned for real affection, but as a result of his childhood, he became a bit of a loner. His parents reentered his life as a teenager, and he set about trying to please them as much as he could, playing the part of a dutiful son in an effort to earn their love (something that a son should NEVER have to do). He wanted to be an engineer, but his mother told him that his future lay in medicine. He dutifully followed his mother's wish and enrolled in medical school, earning medals for excellence. After completing his medical school education, the time came for placement in a residency program. Rather than paying a bribe that would ensure that he received a very cushy assignment at a top teaching hospital, he refused and was sent to a remote mountaintop village. He learned to love his life there, as the villagers were appreciative of his presence, and he was able to form friendships with many of them. Upon being accepted to a master's in surgery program, his father sent for him and told him that it was time for him to be married. He did not want to be married and told his father this, but his father told him that dutiful sons listen to their elders. He acquiesced.

Now, arranged marriages in India vary from region to region. In his home state, eligible bachelors were brought by their parents or other "head of the family" to the home of the parents of the prospective bride. The BRIDE would say whether or not she liked the groom, and that was that. On one occasion, the young man was taken by his uncle to the home of a prominent lawyer. The lawyer's daughter was completing her own medical education and was of marrying age. The young man was not interested and told his uncle that he had no intention of marrying a physician. The uncle did not want to insult the lawyer and insisted that his nephew accompany him to the house. When they arrived, the lawyer's daughter took notice of the shy, quiet and intelligent young man and noticed his gentle manner. She fell for him at that moment. Unfortunately. the reverse did not seem to be the case. Her father told her that the young man had no intention of ever marrying a doctor. She grew sad, but she would not allow this to get her down. Over the next year, the young man made several visits to her home to visit with her father, her cousin (another woman who was of marrying age), and her. The young man spent a lot of time talking to the cousin, and the young woman figured that that would be a match. Her father insisted that she get married soon, and she told him that if she could not have the young man, she did not care WHO she married. Her father set up a match with an engineer.

One night, the woman was working on her clinical rounds and was told that a "Dr. Artful" was on the phone for her. She was puzzled but took the call.

"Hello?" she said.
"Hi," the young man said. "Someone told me you were getting married."
"Yes," she replied. "to an engineer."
"But I thought that WE were going to, " he responded.
"Going to what?" she asked, still very confused.
"aaah...ummm.." the young man hemmed and hawed. " I thought that we were going to marry each other."

Her heart stopped. WHAT? The arrangements had already been made with the other family! And yet, the man of her dreams was back into it. She did the only thing that was logical. She fussed at him.

"You have been visiting our home for a year and never said anything!" she said.

"I know," he replied. "I was getting to know you. You were yourself when you were not trying to catch my eye, and I wanted to get to know the real you."

"But you said you never wanted to marry a doctor!" she countered. "I will NOT give up my career to marry you. You know that, right?"

"You are the exception to the rule-in so many ways. I did not want to marry a doctor, but you changed my mind. I only want to marry you." he said.

"You picked a fine time to say this! The arrangements have already been made!"

"What do I do?" he asked.

"Let me talk to my daddy," she replied. "We will be getting married. I will see to it. In the meantime, let your family know of this."

She immediately called her father, and after much melodrama and threats of suicide, her father acquiesced to his daughter's wishes.

And the young man? What was it about this woman who turned his head? He had been a loner up until this point, never seeking out or receiving honest affection. What he saw in her eyes was a kind soul, someone who he could see being by his side for years to come. He saw someone who would love him unconditionally and saw his children in her face. After a lifetime of denying that he wanted affection and desired the happiness that comes with finding one's soulmate, he could not deny his own feelings.

They were married and moved to the United States, leaving behind his family that never wanted him and the life that gave him so much unhappiness. He became a successful physician and an amazing husband and father. To this day, he is a kind, gentle, and affectionate soul who is all about giving hugs, smiling and laughing when his wife and two boys are around.

Last night, Grace and I attended an AMAZING performance of "Fiddler on the Roof", starring Chaim Topol as Tevye, the role he made famous first in London's West End and then in the Academy Award-winning film version. It also happens to be the favorite musical of the Artful Dad. As I watched Tevye sing "If I were a Rich Man", I saw Dad chafing at the teasing of his rich cousins and being made to feel insignificant. When Tzeitel begged her father to break off the match with Lazar Wolf, I saw the Artful Mom doing the same thing when the Dad made his affection for her known. And, most poignant for me, was the performance of "Do You Love Me" by Tevye and his wife Golda. You see, my parents still sometimes gently sing this to each other even after 43 years of marriage.

This morning, on Father's Day, I called to regale him with stories about how wonderful the musical was and how much I missed him. He asked a lot of questions about it (Did he tell the joke about the chicken? Did they have horses on the stage? How did they do the train station? How did Topol look?) and he was as excited as I was. At the end of our conversation, I told him how much I wished he had been there to watch it with me. He grew quiet, and I could almost see the smile on his face as he whispered into the phone "me too."

It is so hard to believe that I have such an amazingly loving father when I consider the lack of love he received as a child. I am glad that he had the fortitude to persevere through his hard childhood and not let that change the fundamentally wonderful person he is inside. Whenever someone tells me how much I remind them of my Dad, I take it as the highest compliment one could give me. You see, if I become 1/10 of the man my father is, I would consider myself to have lived a successful life.

Happy Father's Day, Artful Dad.