Stolen Lines #1

I tried to think of the right answer. Unable to think of that, I spoke anyway.

As my mouth opened and I formed the words, my mind went back to the first moment I saw her. I was a grad student, and I had just come out of a long term, bad relationship. At the time I was in the relationship, I did not think it was necessarily bad. After all, when one is in a relationship, we are often blind to the bad stuff. It is only with time and distance can we see the toxicity of certain relationships. My previous girlfriend had been my polar opposite. Where I was passive, she was aggressive. Where I tended to be mellow, she tended to be...well, MEAN. It took the observation of my best friend at the time for me to actually focus on what the heck I was doing in the relationship. I was driven to succeed in school, and I had a clear notion of what I wanted to do with my life. She was haunted by the demons of her childhood, and the manic-depression that haunted her mother was, in retrospect, rearing its ugly head in her. The break-up was not pleasant, and as she was my first long-term girlfriend, it was hard on me. Of course, it is easy now to see that it would never have worked out. At the time, however, I was wondering if I would ever find someone ever again.

But then I noticed K. Now, K was also a graduate student studying in a lab a few floors above me. She was attractive, quiet, and intelligent. She seemed to also have a direction to her life, a purpose. I was very shy and, having just emerged from a bad relationship. was reluctant to embark on dating once again. Luckily, one of my lab mates took it upon herself to set things in motion by finding out K's situation. She was single and had come out of a bad co-dependent relationship herself. She was not looking, but one of her requirements would be a guy who was not so needy. I appeared to fit the bill.

Our first date was a movie, the Ethan Hawke version of "Great Expectations." I think that both K and I were expecting a classic romance, but it was a little more risque than we would have liked. We went for coffee afterward, and we discussed the rigors of being grad students, bits and pieces about our research, and aspects about our interests. I found out that K fancied herself an actress and had even taken part in a few productions in town. I discovered that she owned her home in a trendy area of town. I also discovered that she was very close to her recently widowed mother. She loved to cook and entertain. Everything should have worked, right?

Over time, however, cracks appeared in the veneer of our relationship. What had once started out so promising ended with with a tearful farewell.

Lost in my reverie, and attempting to think of the right answer to her question: "Why do you want to break up?", I was distracted by figuring out what I SHOULD say rather than what the right answer was. I mean, I was unable to come up with the right answer because there was no SINGLE right answer-just a conglomeration of issues that told me that she wasn't the one. Sometimes, the truth in break ups can hurt a lot more than non sequitur reasons.

The right answer? Well...first, there was the fact that, once again, I had followed my pattern of being the rescuer-the person who comes in and takes care of a bird with a wing down. K was the bird in this case, an amazing person who, when we met, thought she was nothing special who had been used and abused by her previous boyfriend (mentally and not physically). I set about to disavow her of this notion, and I succeeded to a certain extent. The unwelcome side effect of this was that K started clinging to me in the most suffocating way. Every second of every day, she wanted to know what I was doing, who I was with, and when we would see each other next. Actually, to call it suffocating would be understating the situation. She would pop into my lab and visit me at all times, even where I was trying to work. That, in itself was not sooo bad, but it got to the point where I could hardly get any work done. She was ALWAYS hovering nearby or calling me on the phone.

There were also the father figure issues-her father had passed away 2 years before, and she still felt the void. However, she often put me in the position of her father. Ummm......yuck?

And, of course, there were superficial things. I must admit that, in retrospect, I could have handle the break up better. After all, maybe I could have helped her change things. However, there are some things that are just SO fundamental that a passing comment is just not enough.

She had awful personal hygiene.

There, I said it. Now, you might say: "But Artful, how bad could it be? I mean, you would have keyed in on it early on, right?"

Umm...no, sometimes the judicious and strategic application of perfume and hand lotion can cover up big defects. The eye-opening moment for me was during the first weekend we spent together, 2 months into our relationship. We had gone hiking in the summer heat, and upon returning to the hotel, I immediately made a beeline to the bathroom to shower. After I had dressed and emerged, she stated that she wanted to go to dinner.

"OK," I thought, "she obviously did not sweat as much as I did. I mean, maybe those pits under her arms are from water that she splashed up there when I was not looking. Maybe she is just really hungry and will shower after dinner."

We went to dinner and returned to our room. I brushed my teeth because I wanted to give her the bathroom. She....did not need it. After I left the bathroom, she entered to use the toilet. I heard the flush but then no running water afterwards-SHE HAD NOT WASHED HER HANDS!!! As it turned out, she had also not bothered to shower or brush her teeth. We went to sleep (and I was completely grossed out by that point). The next morning, I showered, shaved, and brushed my teeth. She did none of those things (and yes, some of them were DEFINITELY required). Mind you, this was day 2 . . . in the summer. . . umm, yeah.

On day 4, we left. She had not bathed or brushed her teeth during this time. In retrospect, maybe she was trying to get rid of me? But no...then what was up with the clingyness and the entreaties for intimacy (yeah-as if THAT would happen after what I witnessed)?


At the time of the break-up (shortly after this weekend), the right answer would have been "you are too clingy and unhygienic, and my germophobic ass just cannot handle that!". Instead, I trotted out the old tried and true "this is just a bad time in my life."

OK, I KNOW that that is SUCH a guy line, but keep in mind that a) my last break up was still fresh in my mind AND b) I was SO immature (barely in my 20s at the time and not ready for ANY relationship. At least I deserve credit for telling her directly and not complaining to my friends about it, playing the a-hole guy card by being mean and forcing her to break-up first, or ignoring her and hoping that she would break up with me. I followed up that line with something that was, actually, true: "it's not you, its me." It WAS me. I was the one who was feeling claustrophobic. I was the one who had germ issues. I was the coward who could not tell her these things. In my mind, she was better off. Would it have been better to stay in the relationship for the sake of the relationship? I think not. I had made that mistake previously. It would also not be fair to her. Honesty would have devastated her. I have had friends tell me that I should have informed her of the hygiene thing, but whenever they told me that, I countered with "HOW?"

In retrospect, there are a lot of things I could have said that would have been better. Hindsight is, after all, 20/20. Unable to think of the right answer that summer evening, I spoke anyway, and thankfully, I was able to end the relationship with a minimum of tears. I hope that K has found happiness with someone else-I really do.

Postscript-since that time, my best friend has referred to girlfriend #1 as "the mean one" and K as "the stinky one." Thanks, Aaron.

Note: I stole the first two sentences from Night of the Avenging Blowfish, by John Welter, as part of Grace's experiment.